i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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