So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
