I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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