I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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