i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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