So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
