Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
