Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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