Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
