There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
