Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
