false alarm. still invincible.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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