WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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