porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My liver is preforming stress tests.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize