I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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