she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
