don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
