it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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