your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I need moral support for this bender
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
