you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
how do you play pong handcuffed?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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