wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
