my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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