bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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