if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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