omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
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