I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
