Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
as a side note pls kill me
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