I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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