My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
