I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
