I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
