hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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