I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
