thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
