Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
