Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
