I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
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