I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
