My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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