got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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