I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
