I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
