Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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