You can't special order awesome
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
