I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Welp...herpes.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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