i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
false alarm, still single
Randomize
