this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
