Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
