If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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