Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
