Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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