i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
