barbara walters just said penis...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
