Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
