did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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