whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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