I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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