Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
