If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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