...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Randomize
