I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
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