dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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